There's nothing to it.
This week was up and down for us. As I mentioned last week, the 16th was Lily's birthday. I took the day off and we spent the day together. We had cake, sang Happy Birthday, and watched home videos in the evening. Claire still often misses Lily and Sam will ask, "Where's Lily?" Sam will usually ask that around dinner time where we now always have an empty chair.
We have learned so much from this experience. It is really hard that life continues on as we still struggle to adjust to our new life. In a recent conversation I was asked how we were doing. It was asked in a superficial way, so I gave the superficial "We're doing OK" answer. My interlocutor then responded with, "Yeah, now that some time has passed..." One thing that we have learned that is that nothing prepares you for these types of conversations. Unless it has happened to you, the feelings of sadness and pain are incomprehensible. For us, it is not easier now that "some time has passed."
If anything, Candace and I have often discussed that it is harder now. Since the sickness came so quickly, it is perfectly accurate to say we were in shock for the first few months. Now that the shock to our systems is finally starting to wear off, we are able to start the mourning process. It has been 5 1/2 months since Lily died. A terrible 5 1/2 months, and yet we continue to put one foot in front of the other. We cannot shut down. We have faith that we will see Lily again and so we don't stop living. The difficulty is in the fact that while we continue to live, and others see us living, there may be some confusion that us living means that we are OK.
This is not to say that we are not mostly OK, we are. We are back in a routine and that is good. When talking about Lily, though, our hearts have gaping holes. Our family is down 1. Those wounds have not yet begun to heal.
We so much appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers in our direction. We have needed them all and continue to need them all.
Dave, thank you for being brave/strong enough to blog about what you are going through. I hope it is cathartic for you, somehow. We pray for you guys regularly.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of the "No empty chairs" quote. In your case, this has so much more meaning.
We love your family and are sorry you are sad. Sometimes that is all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other, but you are being a great example to all of us for your grace and courage in doing just that. And you are being wonderful parents to your other children.
ReplyDeleteOf course you're not OK. I wouldn't feel ok. We love you guys and I feel privileged that you guys let us in on Lily's special birthday. I thought of you guys that day. Are there other parents in your community who have lost a child? I ask because my brother in law whose wife died at age 28 of a brain tumor has met several other widows and widowers and their friendships have really supported him. I think you guys are right on to say that unless you've been there, you can't understand. If it were me, I may want to talk to people who have been in my same shoes. But maybe that's bogus advice because I really don't know.
ReplyDeleteLately, I have felt like neighbors and friends in my ward have asked me "how are you?" in the same superficial way. I am happy and fine but I've been sick and I'm 28 weeks pregnant and I'm lonely for my family in Utah. So it kind of turns me off to giving them a sincere answer because I know they don't care. So I can relate to that a little. Overall, people can be kinda lame that way. I enjoy blogging because I think that when people put it in writing, you can really communicate with them and learn how they are doing. I think you guys are being very smart to write down your feelings about Lily.
I'm so sorry that Lily passed because I can imagine that it feels so heartbreaking to miss her. I know she is very interested in watching you guys be parents to her siblings and being part of these family nights where you sit down and remember her. Love to you! :-)
We still think of you and Candace often and how the pain must feel insurmountable at times. We're still praying for you and your family. We love you all the more because you keep moving, living, breathing, and somehow smiling as you try to find your way through your grief. We love you. Happy birthday, Lily!
ReplyDeleteOur thoughts and prayers continue to head your way. We love you. You are a wonderful example to us all. Happy Birthday to Lily!
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who lost her 18 month old two days ago. I cannot imagine the utter sorrow that parents experience when losing a child. I'm sure the hole will always be there, and how can you ever be "okay" with that? We love you guys and I sometimes cry for you all. I really admire you all.
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